I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Randomize
