The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
