my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
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