I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
