Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I cut my penus on the lid.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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