Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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