I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
