i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
