i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
