um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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