But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
