I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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