Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I need mimosas to revive my soul
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
