I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
