Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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