I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
