Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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