if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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