M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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