We won't sleep together?
i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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