hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
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