Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
How's work?
Spinning.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
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