He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
