Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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