evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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