I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
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