I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
