whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
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