I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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