May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
