I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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