Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
