This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
