FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
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