Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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