A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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