Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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