Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Randomize
