this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
