when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
