im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
