i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Randomize
