i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
