I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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