I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
