my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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