Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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