Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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