I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
