Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
