I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
