apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
