Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
