If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Randomize
