3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
