apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Randomize
