just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
