I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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